Sex life confession...
Est 5 min read
Confession: My sex life is soooo much better since I have healed my relationship with food and body.
I wanted to talk about this because most of my clients are not satisfied with their sex lives, and feeling like they're not getting enough pleasure and satisfaction in their lives. An enjoyable sex life seems so far away for some people.
I was blessed to have always been relatively neutral about sex in terms of not having a lot of shame or feeling stigma around it (if you do, you might want to consider getting support to work through it). Still, I was really not satisfied in my sex life for most of my life. And it was hugely impacted by my food and body image issues.
There were long periods of time when I was not feeling good about my body, and even though I have a relatively high sex drive, I did not want to be touched by my partner. I didn't feel confident in my body’s appearance. It was tough for me to relax and enjoy sex and receive pleasure. I was also malnourished and wasn't getting enough food so I didn't have much energy for sex. I wasn't feeling very frisky or in the mood. I was also so preoccupied with food, my body, dieting, and just obsessing about all of that. Sex and pleasure took a backburner and were not a priority. I also stayed in relationships that weren’t ideal, and didn't know how to ask for what I wanted, another aspect of not trusting myself or listening to what my intuition was telling me.
Now, I've healed my relationship with food; I eat in a way that feels easeful and brings me joy, satisfaction, pleasure, feels nurturing, and nourishing. I feel comfortable in my body; I'm attuned to my body. I honor the sensations, signals, messages, and emotions that are present for me. I care for myself on a deep level.
How has the healing I’ve done impacted my sex life?
In our culture (under systems of oppression), folks of all genders, but especially women and people who are non-binary or transgender, and people in differently-abled bodies are told, if you don't look a certain way, then you can't be a sexual being, you can only be sexual and enjoy sex and receive pleasure if you meet “this” aesthetic.
First of all, we're all sexual beings. The human race exists because we're sexual beings. Right? It's a basic human need to connect with other people in sexual and pleasurable ways. Its important to note that some people are asexual or gray ace, which means that they often don't experience desire or don't want to have sex, and that's perfectly acceptable and okay, but I'm just speaking generally, as a race, we do need sex. Most people desire sex, even if they don't look like a goddess or a model. Recognize, it's okay (awesome) to feel sexual at any size, in any body.
Embracing myself as a sexual, pleasure deserving being was part of healing my relationship with myself. I finally saw myself as a whole integrated being who wants to experience the full spectrum of human sensations and experiences. I want and deserve to have all the experiences, including so much pleasure and there's nothing shameful, bad, or wrong about that.
I have more space for pleasure now that all my thoughts are not consumed with controlling or managing food or my body. I have more energy for sex and pleasure now that I eat in an attuned way, honoring my hunger.
Additionally, by becoming more in tune with my body, feeling more comfortable being in my body, and feeling the sensations that are present has heightened my pleasure so much more. I know my body so much better; I can tell partners what I enjoy and what parts of my body I want to be touched. For example, I enjoy having my sides touched, which is not something that I ever would have known. I did work with a sex coach, Jessie Fresh; she's amazing. She really helped me discover a lot of these things about myself and how to enhance my sex life, both with self-pleasure and with others.
If I hadn't done this healing work around my relationship with food and my relationship with my body, I don't think I would have felt comfortable connecting with another person in these ways, making sex and pleasure a priority. I now pursue partners that I feel connected with because I'm better able to honor my intuition, my instincts, what is important to me, and I work towards more satisfying relationships (I'm polyamorous, so when I say relationships, I mean multiple, potentially, at a time relationships). I work towards relationships that are deeply satisfying for me. I feel cared for, supported, and connected, which helps because I can feel safe and relaxed with these partners. I ask for what I want. But I also feel more confident, my self-esteem is better, I know that my value and worth aren't tied to my appearance, and I know that it's okay to be a sexual being in the body that I'm in right now and own my sexuality. This is why I'm talking about this right now. It's not talked about enough. It's this kind of taboo thing.
Doing this healing work is so worth it.
I've been talking lately about Tony Jones’ song Healing is Not My Purpose, and there are a couple of lines about pleasure and satisfying your soul. Those are much more of our purpose then always focusing on what is wrong with us.
I encourage you to go after the things that satisfy your soul, to start to heal your relationship with food in your body to have a fulfilling and satisfying life, including sexy times if that's something that you desire for yourself. It's okay to want that. I'd love to help you to do that healing work so that you can go after it. Feel free to email me at Tiffany@coachtiffanyrn.com and let me know how I can support you.
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